Perfection

I look up to perfection. That’s the reason why I idealized Howard Roark of The Fountainhead

That’s the reason why I am a FC Barcelona football style fanatic

That’s why Sachin matters

That’s the reason why my blog has few posts. I post here only what I feel is worth. When I want to write an article for my blog, I go back and read my previous posts to get that feel. That is my inspiration for a new article. I am no writer, this place is not an object of motivation or stimulus for anyone else - not even of admiration I guess. But what’s up here is the best I can come up with.

There was a boy in my school. In what I remember, he was the cleanest mind around. He was sincere and humble and straight, at the age of 12-14. Looking back, I wonder what he would be if he had the opportunities to achieve his potential. I lost him in school. Wonder what the world has done to him.

The footballing style of Barcelona depicts perfectness. It’s smooth; it is free flowing game with skillful passes, smooth touches, rigorous efforts and great tactics. It needs and uses the best players in the world. It is totally dominating. It’s totally obsessive. Hard to not follow the team when they play as if the games are designed by technicians and programmed into an animation. Except this is real. Recently, they have lost the match of the season because they did not play any other way. They played the beautiful game. It was worth it. Again as the fountainhead says, work is its own reward.

Once you start looking for and understanding perfection, it becomes an obsession really. You can’t take anything less. Like, when Sachin retires, I’ll not follow cricket anymore – not that I follow it now. My generation made cricket rich because Sachin was in it. Many moved on with the game. But I stick to Sachin. Not to all his glory, just the glory of a well judged shot or let-go.

Not the hundreds of hundreds, just the couple of sessions he faced against Dale Steyn at CapeTown in January of 2011. This contest was the best of Cricket for me. And the very best of batsmen and bowlers had to come together to make it happen. Of course I am writing a fresh article dedicated to this special play.

The Fountainhead. It simply tells the basic form of a thinking human being. How simple and truthful a man can be. And should be. No bias towards anyone/ thing. How he should exist for himself. And why only that makes sense.

When I measured my real life with the same basic rules, I started to understand people though their bones. I felt a bit of pride as I was objective in little ways. But also, realities hit me hard. For I wasn’t close to being the ‘man as he should be’ I idealized, and I am never going to be. My world is too complicated for that. Many need me to be diplomatic. Hell, I’ll not survive if I say what I have to. Am I man enough to say what I want to if I was allowed to, is a hypothetical question. But I try keeping my variables as close to the answer, within these constants. The equation doesn’t tally, but it isn’t meant to.

We grew up

Used to watch Sachin with wide open mouths. Learned perfection hence

Never being interested in his records, just the Goosebumps-giving straight drives with MRF

From the promises-to-self of never marrying

Of never drinking, never drinking and driving

Never doing the wrong

From the summers of boredom to being busy for the waiting ones

Came a long way

 Learned English with the spoken English classes offered by Yahoo messengers and Orkuts

Who would’ve thought, that it would earn the food that donkey years of education never could

That waiting for the kissing scenes in Hollywood movies

Anything more than that would make the day up

Studies meant exams, exams meant marks, and marks meant expectations

Studies never meant learning. Not even after knowing that marks meant nothing

Terraces were the play grounds which never existed

Terraces were converted to secret party places later

And Bars, And night out adda’s

Bunked it all

Schools, colleges, tuitions, offices

Some times, technically, home

Those afternoons of blaming our dads for not being rich

And blaming the rich for not giving it all away

Not having the bucks to party

To having no places which could hold the parties long enough

From the outlander view from inside a boys school

To getting bored and sick of nuisance of girls (oops - most of the girls)

Moved on, from hand video games, to TV video games, to PC games

Now to no-more games

From the Dexter’s labs and ftv

To Nolan’s Memento and more

In the process, came across people, acquaintances, few friends, very few good friends

Losing a couple of them by chance, some friends by choice

From being pure atheists

To being just an agnostic

And not caring enough to even remember that term

From Learning about hypocrisy by observation

From gaining expertise in it by practice

To hating it all by heart

To deciding never to be a pert of that mix

To realizing that it’s a resolution hard to hold

Starting with belief of a destiny, going around the concept of luck

Coming to believe in the randomness

We grew up.

My Fucked up memory

Was driving on an empty road at 10 PM on my bike with two other strangers on my back. Gave them a ride in exchange for confirming that I was down the right lane. Didn’t have much space to work with, having to drag myself onto the petrol tank in order to accommodate them on that 10 min drive..

And while my instincts were taking care of the driving, my mind diverted from one thought to another on a random basis to finally come across the most beautiful one. Could remember the thought process before this particular thought came and the thought process after. But not this precise one! At that moment, For this one thought, I would have given the world. Lost it as soon as it was interrupted with those people asking me stop the bike so as to depart on other ways. And once it was lost, it was as if it escaped and hid in some unknown terrain of my brain away from my reach. I mean, having an amazing thought which brings about an auto-smile on your face one moment, and wondering what the hell that was the very next moment!  That can be annoying..

Can’t even remember the subject matter/ concept or whatever it is related to. The more I think about it, the more beautiful it seems to be, and the more beautiful it feels, the more I try to recollect it, retrieve it out of the blues..

Again on the hind sight, there is this risk that if and if at all that thought comes back to my senseless mind, it may not have been as gorgeous. What if it was just another random thought which I presumed awesome just because of its mysterious escapade? I’d rather not look back on it if this is the risk..

The Scribbling

This was the first time. It had to happen sometime. What with me so careless or casual depending on time. It was a split second. Probably a minute. But I knew it just after one moment after it happened.

The worst part was the mini-moment when I really felt the insecurity, of losing my wallet in an unknown terrain like Delhi. My wallet was picked. I almost took a quarter of an hour to reassure myself that nothing terribly important was in it.

The thief didn’t do a great job. I would have caught his hand with my purse some other day. He got lucky.

That purse had many things. Stupid and important. And the stupidly important.

Cash and Licenses, Debit card and keys were important. A non-functional sim card and some redundant visiting cards were the stupid.

But what I miss the most is the Stupidly important. A piece of paper. It was the ticket of my first flight. But that was not what it was.

That piece of paper had 2 hours of my life. An important 2. It had my thoughts scribbled on it when there was nothing else to do on the plane when the mobile was tabooed and the world seemed to stop even though I was travelling at plane speed.

It had a To-do list. I certainly will not finish most of the To-do’s till the next year and a half but I need that list like hell.

It had what I could think of in an hour of pure blank mind. With no luxury of distractions. Not even a bad company to disturb me. Four articles. Meant to be in this blog. Priceless. It was an hour of productivity.

Now when I think of it, I can’t remember anything I wrote, just the reason why those thoughts must have been really awesome.

Lesson learnt the hard way. Have a back up. Even for something which you will take care of as your precious.

Of course, now I’ll have this excuse to use against everyone asking me to bring something from Delhi. But pros don’t even compare to the cons.

Frustations

The fact that I am doing this..

That I compromised..

That I once thought I wouldn’t do auditing for the world..

And that I have to get out of this..

And that it doesn’t change the fact that I did this.

The fact that I just try not to think about those whom I can help..

That I am afraid to look them in the eye..

The fact that I didn’t even cry..

That I cant find a soothing word for them at least..

The fact that I get too busy..

That its not worth it..

The fact that I forget too soon..

But people have many ways of taking it..

The fact that my friends are not as well off..

And that I’ll never help them when they cant help themselves..

The fact that a new home comes with an age old baggage..

And that it may surface too late..

The fact that I don’t have the freedom to struggle..

That I am taking the easy way out not knowing whether I want to..

The fact that I cant think of anything for this blog..

That I had somehow lost that on the paths..

The fact that I came down to the level where I could say that..

The fact that things need changing..

That I must make the changing..

That I am not sure a bit..

A simple world isn’t there for the taking..

The fact that I have to make it happen..

The ideal man - How things ought to be.

Ever since I’ve read ‘The Fountainhead’, I wanted to talk about Howard Roark. This is the best way for me.

The novel is built around, and for that character and not the other way around. In simple terms the novel describes an ideal man and celebrates him. That seems to be the cause, destiny and inspiration of Ayn Rand, the author. The character of the ideal man has been named Howard Roark.

I cannot go into story details but I will try to describe Howard Roark though I don’t think I’ll be totally successful in that either.

Howard Roark is an architect who gets expelled from college in final year of graduation because he doesn’t confirm to the norms and traditionally accepted ideas and models of architecture in his project works. And when given a chance by his dean to rejoin the college and complete his graduation considering his high academics, he refuses the offer saying that he has already learned whatever he needs to learn about architecture and hence there would be no point in coming back.

The plans of buildings sketched by Howard Roark are not traditional like that of Churches and Roman Tombs or any other kind of architectural history. They are not modernistic either. He doesn’t bother to confirm with previous rules and norms. But then again, he doesn’t bother to be a rebel either. The plan is made and built around the idea that every building has a cause and hence the design must be driven by the cause.

Bottom line is that Howard Roark works on his own terms. He doesn’t compromise for his clients, for the sake of his work or even for his survival. He is selfish in that sense. He would rather not design a building than design it in any other way than his. And he would later on destroy a building designed by him because the design and the essence of the design have been tampered with.

When he doesn’t care for the feelings of others, he doesn’t act like he does. He doesn’t get hurt when someone who hates his principles, and guts, ruins his life. He cannot be hated and hurt because hypocrites of the society cannot touch him. He calls them second-handers, who live to gain the approval of others, who just try to get accepted by other second-handers. Who accept other second-handers. Who live on the ideas of others. Parasites. It is said to be a virtue to follow and go with the flow. But the creative mind goes against the current and has to fight the force of the current to create something new.

He says that the soul or spirit of a person cannot be shared with anyone else. Which is the reason why he refuses to collaborate, cooperate and work with teams of architects. There is no such thing as collective brain. He says that selfishness in true sense is the greatest virtue of all. And the reward for a work of one’s own vision is the work in itself. Not wealth, not greatness, not social service either.

Work of Howard Roark is not for the world, for the service of fellow beings or even for his personal goals. His motivation is his work and it is the reward, and Howard Roark lives for that. He destroys that building he designed because his vision, his design has been modified and hence nullified. Because he designed that building with the only condition of it being erected as it is and for no other reason. That is his fee, not money. He did not design it as charity though it is meant to accommodate the poor. He destroyed that building because he did not get his payment but the owners got it as a gift. And Howard Roark isn’t an altruist. He doesn’t give gifts of such nature. He clearly refuses the right of any man or group of men, however large, to a single minute of his work, any part of his energy or any of his achievements. He doesn’t exist for others. And he doesn’t ask others to exist for him. To sum up his view on friendship, he says to his best friend “I would die for you, but I would never live for you”. And when it comes to love, he says – “To say I Love one must first know how to say ‘I’”

In practice, these characteristics are expressed using the word ‘ego’ which is used as a negative or even as a filth word. And Howard Roark defends the egocentric mind of his with everything he has.

He simply states that these are his terms. He doesn’t care to exist under any other.

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Tips for CA preparing students, well..almost

Before I wrote the exams, I had decided to write an article about how to prepare for CA, of course if and when I pass CA. I did pass CA but then decided not to go on with the tips because it’s not so intelligent when you think about it. But then again I thought “What the heck, at least my blog will have a new post” and here we go

·        Number of Months to study:

3 months, if you study that is.

·        Books to refer:

Whatever they are that you can procure. Just don’t spend more time thinking about books than thinking about the subjects

·        Books to borrow:

None. Prepare your own notes, buy your own books. Phukat me kuch bhi nai hota.

·        Time table:

Study at whatever time you want to.

·        Schedule:

Make your schedule around your study time. Not your study around your schedule of the Matinee or Pooja.

·        Before the Exam:

This is an actual tip. Don’t listen to idiots who study a hundred things from a hundred materials and speculate on how tough the paper is going to be and what chapters are more important. Just revise what you know and trust the text book you studied from.

·        In the Exam:

Sit down and concentrate on how to write. Don’t think about the result when writing the paper and don’t think about the paper when reading the result.

·        Subject wise tips:

Do the sums in accounts and SFM. Study the theory well in Auditing and Law. Do the problems in Costing. Study smartly in ISCA. Study the whole thing in IDT and DT. Thing is, in a practical paper, pass in the practical part itself keeping theory for spare or safety and vise versa.

·        Waiting for the Results:

Just do something worth your while and forget about the results. I am sick of all the results tension dialogs from people.

·        Bottom Line:

If you want to do something (CA in this case), just do whatever is required to finish that task. Stop BS-ing around and work towards it.

Karmaniye vadika something..

It’s a famous Sanskrit poem which says that one should do the task with his best efforts but not expect to reap the seeds thereof.

My CA results are due tomorrow and people are so worried about them. As if they had a say in what subjects they could flunk.. Actually they had, just not now.

People think too much about the ends even though they know very well that they are not meant to. Everyone educated up to a certain level has had a formal lesson in context about concentrating on your to do’s and forget about the end result and yet when the situation arises, it is the same old story of working less or more and expecting that there will be a miracle and a disaster. We know it doesn’t matter what we expect and yet we speculate that the world is coming to an end tomorrow and start packing the bags today itself just in case.

I am no exception to the anxiety that all are feeling at this moment but I at least am trying to keep the thinking process away from the emotions because when those two combine, the effect is silly in reality.. Which is quite hard when everyone around is thinking, talking and giving various expressions to describe how anxious they are.

What each of us did when the exams were due back then and preparation was required is none of the business of anyone else. But then again, my friend could have actually tried to study before the exams rather than try to analyze the paper after just in case he was asked for his opinion in an interview by Times. He is expecting a miracle at least. I want to say Karmaniye vadikaraste to him but its impossible for me to remember those words after the next 2 minutes on Fb.

You already decided what you are going to get. Live with it.

Creativity - killed

There was a time when ideas occurred at will to me. My blog always had a new post in works. And people, they were actually impressed by the articles I used to write. That was me even till last year. But then CA took over. I had to write my exams. Had to prepare for months on a roll and whenever I wanted to do something else, there was this guilt feeling that I shouldn’t be fooling around away from books. So my thought process lost that freedom which makes it flow and make things happen.

There you go, my creativity was restricted and slowly nullified. People think that creativity is like, you know like, those things which never go away. It does. Especially when you prepare 8 mammoth subjects for an exam. More so when you don’t expect to use any of them practically to earn a living.

My ability to write about interesting things slowly but surely went down. I specifically miss the good feeling I get when I know that an article turned out to be something meaningful and good enough to be posted under my name.

And this, yet another attempt to bring back a bit of that.